Give a CAT a pill
- Pick cat up and
cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from
floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
- Retrieve cat from
bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from
foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth
shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from
goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
- Kneel on floor
with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low
growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
- Retrieve cat from
curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and
set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large
towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put
pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
- Check label to
make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and
- Retrieve cat from
neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and
close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
- Fetch screwdriver
from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from
- Call fire
department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
- Tie the little
bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
- Consume remainder
of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
- Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for Humane Society to collect
mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any
How to Give a DOG a
Wrap it in
Rules For Cats To Live
guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door
open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is
not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand
halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair or
bed quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is
no Oriental rug, any quality carpeting is good. When throwing up on the carpet,
make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and
the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise
known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"
supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be
seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between
eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
paperwork, lie on the paper in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as
much of the work as possible. Or pretend to doze, but occasionally reach out and
slap the pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on income
taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the
paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the
best of your ability. When being removed for the second time, make all four legs
flail around wildly in order to push pens, pencils, and erasers off the
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be
sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises.
6) When a
human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard,
bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in the human's lap across
arms if possible to hamper typing in progress.
As often as
possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human,
especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and
when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she doesn't
move around too much.
When using the litter box, be sure
to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty
litter between their toes.
Every now and then, hide in a place
where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under
any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love)
thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans
will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a
ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human,
especially their face, then turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans
love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.