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How to
Give a CAT a pill


  1. Pick cat up and
    cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
    forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to
    cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
    Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from
    floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
  3. Retrieve cat from
    bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from
    foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
    Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth
    shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from
    goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.

  6. Kneel on floor
    with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low
    growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
    forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
  7. Retrieve cat from
    curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
    repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and
    set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large
    towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put
    pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
    drinking straw.
  9. Check label to
    make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply
    Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and
  10. Retrieve cat from
    neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and
    close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
    Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver
    from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
    scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
    date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
    back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from
  12. Call fire
    department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to
    neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
  13. Tie the little
    bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
    room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
    followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
    pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Consume remainder
    of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
    doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
  15. Call furniture
    shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for Humane Society to collect
    mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any

How to Give a DOG a

Wrap it in


Rules For Cats To Live

Always accompany
guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and

Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door
open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is
not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand
halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito

If you have to throw up, get to a chair or
bed quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is
no Oriental rug, any quality carpeting is good. When throwing up on the carpet,
make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare

If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and
the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise
known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When
supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be
seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up
and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between
eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For
paperwork, lie on the paper in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as
much of the work as possible. Or pretend to doze, but occasionally reach out and
slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income
taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the
paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the
best of your ability. When being removed for the second time, make all four legs
flail around wildly in order to push pens, pencils, and erasers off the

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be
sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises.

6) When a
human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard,
bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in the human's lap across
arms if possible to hamper typing in progress.

As often as
possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human,
especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and
when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination

Always sleep on the human at night so he/she doesn't
move around too much.

When using the litter box, be sure
to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty
litter between their toes.

Every now and then, hide in a place
where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under
any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love)
thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans
will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a

Whenever possible, get close to a human,
especially their face, then turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans
love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.

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